I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
