the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My bed smells like the plague
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
