my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
