Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
