I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
