I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
