Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
When are your genitals available?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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