Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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