I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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