Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
