sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
