Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
