Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
