he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
