Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
