party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
