i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
