I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
