I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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