I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
