We won't sleep together?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
