the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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