Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
