omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
