i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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