yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
