Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize