I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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