just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
