Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
