If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
