Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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