the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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