one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
