I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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