; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
