All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
