I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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