My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
