allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
