You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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