i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
