so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
