When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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