he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
