Jerry, you need to find god
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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