ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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