fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
