How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
babies were throwing up all over the place
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
