I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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