when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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