i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize