She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
