you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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