This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
