A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
