Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
and she was petting her beer can
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
