someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
