theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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