I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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